Sunday, May 31, 2009

5 years

I can't believe another year has passed and it's time for another tribute. If you have a chance I recommend you go through my archives and read the tribute I did last year on May 31, 2008.

No matter how much I prepare myself for this day... it's never easy. I have real feelings and emotions when I think about 5 years ago. I still miss her and ache for her love and friendship as I know all my siblings do.

When we all get together we love to talk about how much she would enjoy being with us! Her children were her pride and joy and we knew it. She would adore Avaree and Weston. I can't even think about it. I wish my kids could know her in their earthly lives. She would be so good for them (and me)!

She was beautiful. Baylee has that same furniture in her room.

I really struggle with the fact that Baylee and Griffin aren't being raised by her. It just doesn't seem fair to me. They have totally different lives full of 2 crazy toddlers and a pregnant sister! They are amazing though. I really do think they understand their role in this life and are happy with who they are and who Jason and I are as their guardians. We are a far from perfect family but I can say that we do have an eternal perspective of what this life is about.

She was my best friend. I know I always say that but she really was. I have moments where I just want to talk to her because she is the one person who understands me. It is in these my moments that my relationship with my Savior has really grown. I've always been a prayerful person but I've had to rely on my Savior even more now. We sang this song at her funeral and never has a song struck me so hard...

"I Need Thee Every Hour"
I need thee every hour, Most gracious Lord.
No tender voice like thine can peace afford.
I need thee, oh, I need thee; Every hour I need thee!
Oh, bless me now, my Savior; I come to thee!

When these pictures were first taken I hated this picture. Who likes a picture of themself crying? I cherish it now.

How have I gotten through these past 5 years when I never thought I could?? I have had to rely on my Savior and my testimony. I know that we will be together again! I know that our time on earth is short and now is the time to prepare to meet our maker. I know how important families are. I have been blessed to have my Mom as my example of Motherhood. I know how important the souls of the children in my home are. I pray I can make my Heavenly Father and Mother proud. Again, I am far from perfect but I do consider myself lucky to have an eternal perspective and to have someone so close to me on the other side guiding me.

I found this quote in Baylee's room and I really like it. "Every experience you go through is essential for your salvation.." James E. Faust


17 comments:

Hoosier Mama said...

beautiful.

Tracy said...

Your Mom was beautiful. She looks so cute in the picture where she is young and wearing pink. It reminds me of you!

janet said...

I was already crying before I saw the picture of you crying... so I am a mess now. Aaron just walked passed me and said, "WHAT are you reading?"

Anyway, I can't believe it's already been 5 years.. such LIFE CHANGING years for you. I am so sad that your mom hasn't been around for you during these early mothering moments. She would have been a fabulous grandma and I know she loves your kids tremendously. It's hard to understand a mother's love until you have your own and I can only imagine how much I will cherish my kids' kids.

You always portray her so beautifully. She was such a beautiful person. Soft spoken, easy to laugh with, even easier to talk to. I will always remember how apparent her love was for her children. She adored Bay and Griff so much-- they were so little and she knew how special they were. But your relationship with her was nothing like I've ever seen. She loved and admired you so much. I can only imagine how she feels about you now-- how proud she must be of you taking such excellent care of EVERYONE, including your own. What a great example you are to all of us.

I should probably just call you because this is getting to be a forever long comment, but it's late-- so whatev. On this past road trip to Cali, Aaron asked me what has been the hardest experience I have ever had to deal with in my life. I never came up with an answer because I am not sure I have had any trials or experiences that have really made me lean upon my Savior. Obviously, I will encounter them, because we all do, but it's amazing what YOU have been through in your short 29 (not quite) years. You are such a strong person and have dealt with difficulty with such class, such optimism. You are my example in so many ways and even though we don't see each other as often as I wish, I benefit from your friendship and example and testimony more than you know.

Keep it up, even though it's exhausting and emotionally draining. I will never forget the phone call we had days before she passed. You didn't know HOW you could possibly survive without her- and couldn't except the fact that she was not going to be around. And here you are, FIVE years later, fighting the fight!! I know it's not easy, but you are doing it, and doing it better than anyone else ever could.

I love these tributes, even though they make me sob. Continue to record your feelings. They are so raw and they will be priceless (like the picture of you crying) in years to come.

Okay, enough from me... just wanted you to know that I read, I cried and that I love you and your Krew!

summer said...

I certainly see where your teeny tiny figure comes from! Your mom was amazing and she has since passed that down to you! I think you are who you are because of her!!! I really look up to you in so many ways you will never know!

karlin said...

Thanks Jan for the long comment that is why you are my best friend! You always know just what to say and I do think you understand how close my Mom and I were.

I really love and appreciate everyone who has supported me over the years. I am who I am because of all the wonderful influences I have in my life.

val said...

i'm sure it's so hard to understand why your mom had to leave this life so early. my mom lost her mother at a young age too. in time i'm sure it will all make sense as to WHY.
it's so great to have your feelings documented and those pictures are priceless. what treasures to have.
you amaze me karlin, for many reasons. i think about you a lot and marvel at the way you are able to juggle so many things-little kids, teens, business, etc. i guess Heavenly Father KNEW he could call on you to do this. and he was right.
love you!

Steph said...

Karlin,
You are truly an inspiration! Wow! Your strength and testimony is so uplifting. I too am in tears. What a great example you are to your family--they are so blessed to have you. Thanks for this post and for the reminder for us all to remember what's important.

kiks said...

I remember when she was taking a turn for the worse and you were still in cali and you were talking to me about the possibility of loosing your best friend. you were like, "who will i call for the missing ingredient to one of her recepies, or who will I call when my baby takes her first steps?"

i went home that night and hugged my mom so tight.

thank you for teaching me to appreciate me mom while health and time is on our side. you are an incredible woman, and i'm proud to be your friend.

karlin said...

Kristi- that's funny you remember that. I still wish I could call her for recipes. I've had to grow up and become independent I guess. Please appreciate your Mom. You are lucky she is such a good grandmother to your children.

Angie said...

I love Her!
and I love what you are doing, you will be blessed!
love you,
Angie

Brooke said...

I don't know what else to say except i cried. i felt the spirit. i think you are amazing and she would be proud of you.

Dorothy & Tony said...

Blubbering over here! I loved your Mom, she was such an incredible woman, which is the reason you are who you are! She is the perfect example of an incredible Mother! Your so amazing and your strength has strengthened me! It is such a blessing knowing that Families are Forever and that you will be with her again some day! By the way you look beautiful when you cry!! Your Mom, I know is so proud of you!

Extraordinary Housewife said...

Tears, tears, tears.

Ps. Remember when Jason had hair?

Lana

Sara Decker said...

I shouldn't have read this at work because I'm crying. I cry every year on your tribute. Everything you said is so true and so touching. I wish i was as strong as you and as sure of so many things. You do have an eternal perspective, I hope to get there, I'm still working on that. You are one of the best moms I know, I'm glad I have been able to be your friend.

Miss you.

Tracy the GREAT said...

I always love hearing about your mom. She must be amazing! It's good for me to remember to cherish each moment I have with each and everyone I love here. What a blessing to have family and the Savior. You truly are an amazing woman. I know your mom is so proud of your.

Anonymous said...

Karlin, that tribute was beautiful, and so was your mom. I have wonderful memories of her, but what sticks out most in my mind was her optimism. I never heard her complain, even when she had every right to. I am so grateful to have known her. Thanks again and keep up the good work. I know you are being blessed and watched over. Love you, EMILY

karlin said...

Emily... that is SO true! She was so optimistic. I find myself wanting to complain a lot and I think about her life and how positive she was through all her trials. She didn't have it easy. I need to try and be more like her in that way. Thanks for reminding me.