4 years...

4 years ago today I lost my Mom to a hard fought battle with Ovarian Cancer. She battled for 5 years. She never complained and she continued to LOVE and SUPPORT her family until the day she died. She was my best friend. I miss her everyday. There will always be a feeling of void in my life. I honestly ache for her. It's amazing how life goes on. It actually seems like more than 4 years because so much has changed. (I'm a different person being a mother of 4!) I had a good time looking through pictures and remembering things about her that I don't get to everyday. It was perfect because Jason was out of town, Baylee was out with friends, Griffin went to Wyoming to herd cattle with a friend, and my kids were in bed so I had the night to myself. That NEVER happens. I actually think that it's the first time since my Mom's passed that I had a night to myself. I feel SO blessed to be her daughter. I didn't know it at the time, but she truly did prepare me to raise her children and mine. She was a wonderful example of selfless LOVE. I'll never forget her. Here are some pictures and memories that I cherish most... (sorry for the bad quality. My scanner didn't work so I took them with my camera but I still wanted to share even if they are blurry) Warning... some of my thoughts are kind of long, but it was therapeutic for me. I hope you enjoy getting to know my Mom better.

I think she was so beautiful.

My first birthday

Griffin, she loved babies especially her own. She couldn't wait for grandchildren!

Baylee... isn't this picture sweet? It was taken at her Mom's funeral.

This picture was taken when she came to visit me while I was in college. We ate lunch and I did her hair that day (in beauty school). I'll never forget when I had to move out. She came to help me move and when it was time for her to go we both cried and cried and cried and cried. (mind you I was only living 45 minutes away) My roommates thought we were crazy.

This picture was taken during her first treatment of chemo. By the time she passed she did every possible treatment she could do. I appreciate her fighting so long for us because I know it wasn't easy. I'll never forget the day I found out she had cancer. I was on a date (which was horrible). I didn't sleep at all that night. I stayed up all night crying and throwing up. I had a lot of faith during her 5 years of treatment. I guess Heavenly Father knows best. I wonder if it is really a coincidence that we get sick every Memorial Day weekend... we like to blame it on the state of Idaho but I ended up sick in bed on Thursday this year.

At my wedding. She hated her hair this short but I liked it. Jason and I were young when we got married but it worked out how it was supposed to. We had a few good years to ourselves before we got 3 kids at once and I love that Jason got to know my Mom and that she got to know him.

It's crazy to think that I lived away the last 4.5 years of her life but honestly I think we were closer because of it. One... It was good because it prepared us financially for all our responsibility. Two.. we cherished every minute that we spent together and we still managed to see each other a lot (thanks to Jason.) Three... we talked on the phone five times a day about everything and I really don't know if we would have if we lived closer and saw each other all the time. The best birthday present I ever received was one year Jason surprised me and flew her down. I'll never forget when she showed up at my work. I was sending a BIG fax and it got jammed and papers were going everywhere because I was so shocked to see her. I was totally shaking. This picture was taken that weekend. She didn't feel well at all. You'd never guess. She didn't want to miss out on a moment with her child. (and yes we are nerds in matching shirts. I worked at Toes On The Nose at the time and got them for free.)

I LOVE this picture for 2 reasons... the way she was looking at me and I'm pretty sure we were holding hands under the table. If we weren't holding hands she had her hand on my leg. There is nothing like a Mother's touch. I'll never forget her hands. That is actually one of the things that I can picture best about her. They were so tan and soft, with pretty, clean, strong fingernails. I know that sounds odd but Jason has soft skin like hers (when it's not rough from working) and that is one of the things that attracted me most to him. I had the oppurtunity to hold her hand as she passed. I saw the oxygen leave her body and I saw her skin change colors. It's a very vivid memory I have that I'll never forget. She was beautiful then... sick, with no hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, or oxygen. Sorry I didn't mean to go into that much detail. I wish this picture wasn't so blurry so you could see her face. That is the way she looked at all her children. I heard a speaker in church once say... "When your children walk in the room does your face light up?" I bawled because that is the other vivid memory I have of my Mom. When ever she saw me, her face lit up! I always replay in my mind her greeting me at the airport. She would literally run to me and hug me. She was always so HAPPY to see me as I was her.

Sorry if this picture is vulgar but I had to put it up because it shows her personality. She was hilarious! She was so fun to be around. I've laughed the hardest in my life with her. We brought out each others silliness because we were so comfortable with each other. You should have seen her dance. We don't have a talent for it but we would do it anyway. That is another good memory I replay in my mind... her dancing. Anyway, about the picture. This picture was taken another time when she was visiting in California. The weather was cold and cloudy and we wanted to get a tan. We loved laying out together... it was officially our favorite past time. Laying in the hot sun by each other and talking and talking and talking. I still can't lay in the sun til this day without thinking about her. Anyway... I keep getting side tracked. She had to go back to Utah with a tan so we went to a tanning salon. This particular salon you had to buy goggles and we didn't have any so they gave us these little stickers to put over our eyes to protect them. If you can't tell she put them on her breasts as a joke and we laughed hard.

I also posted this picture to show her personality... always up for having fun even when she didn't feel well. This picture was taken during one of our trips to Utah at an arcade. If you could see our faces close... we were having a blast. Like we did whenever we were together no matter what we were doing!

Another Cali trip. Again, we lived up every second when we were together. What I LOVE about this picture is the way she was leaning on Brady. As I was looking through old pictures I noticed (for the first time ever) that almost all of them had one thing in common... my Mom was always leaning towards one of her children, hugging them or just resting her head on our shoulders. I LOVE it because it shows how much she loved us!

These pictures were taken the day before she passed. You never would have guessed that she was going to die in the next day because she was so coherent. I'll always cherish these pictures. Notice my little baby bump? I was 5 months pregnant with Avaree. I rushed to town after I got the news that she wasn't doing well. I got there just a few days before. The cancer had spread to her lungs and that is what eventually killed her because she couldn't breathe and there was nothing else the doctors could do. She battled so well for so long and once it happened, it happened fast. Honestly, I should have been more prepared but I wasn't. Some memories from that weekend... was her being so EXCITED and alert to see the baby stuff I had gotten, and talking about baby names (we loved to do that and she was so excited that I named Avaree Karol after her), laying in the bed next to her talking and laughing as each of my siblings tried on her wigs, her trying to act healthy like nothing was wrong, talking about anything and everything, her telling me that one of the hardest lessons she had to learn in this life is that people have their own free agency to choose as they wish (hence some family members bad choices), reading scriptures with her when she could barely breath, giving her a bath, the hospice nurse gathering my siblings together at 3 a.m. to tell us she was passing. My brothers gave me some alone time with her where I read her a letter I had written and by the end of the letter she only had energy left to say, "thanks" which was one of her last words. It was hard to say good bye but I'll always remember the priesthood blessings my brothers and husband were able to give her especially the one when they told her it was okay to go.

It would be SO hard to leave your babies, especially with all of us being so young! One of the things that hit me the hardest just barely was looking back on pictures of Baylee and Griffin. They were so young to lose their Mom!! It doesn't seem fair but I know her test on this earth was done. She had done all she could do and she proved herself well. I have no doubt that she is better off. One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Alma 40:12... And then it shall come to pass that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow. That scripture has brought me a lot of comfort and peace knowing that she is in a state of peace, resting from all her wordly troubles! When I read that, I only feel selfish for wanting her alive. She deserves to be in paradise! I only pray that I can keep her legacy going in the path of righteousness. The speaker in sacrament meeting on Mother's Day paid me the ULTIMATE compliment when he pointed us out of the congregation and said, "You can tell these kids had a good Mother." My goal in life is to live so that people can know of her goodness without even knowing her.

I'm so grateful for the knowledge that I have that Jesus Christ is our Savior and because of his atoning sacrifice we will be able to live again with our families forever!! I know we will be together again one day if we live righteously and I know that she is guiding us on the other side. As the sealer in the temple at Brady's wedding said... "he felt the presence of angels." I know she is our angel!! We love and miss you daily MOM!!